Being Selfish to Survive

Along with the privacy of my nyegen, my house, my hangar and my bike, I realize that my American and PC enforced standards have me being perceived as selfish. I don't think of my self as a selfish person, but in this environment it's kind of necessary for me to be.

Malians have told me that they expect Westerners to give them things. And it's fine to give things to help others, but there's a point when giving too much becomes a handicap. This idea is one thing that separates PC from other NGOs. I'm totally about that tough love and teaching people to defend for themselves, but with my family I feel I've been too tough.

They give me so much, openly, but with me being one person, I feel like I can't do the same. It would not only be financially, but emotionally-draining as well. And whenever I think of buying something for one particular person, I would have to buy something for multiple people and I don't want to, so I don't buy for anyone. Sometimes, I just buy for everyone, but I don't want that to become a habit or expectation.

It's tiring to have to think like this! Why does it have to be this complicated? For example, when I went to Italy, I wanted to buy gifts for Adama, Moussa, Rokia, Yacouba and my homologue, because they take care of me. And I was spending Euros on these gifts, which was expensive. But, I couldn't buy them things without buying for the grandpa, grandma and the loathsome, Aissata. I reaaaaally didn't want to buy a gift for Aissata, but I had to because it would be seen as an insult (even though I really wanted to insult her, I decided to fight her with kindness) to buy for one of Yacouba's wives and not the other. It's so annoying.

Even if I buy for myself a small bag of peanuts, I can't just keep them to myself if I eat outside. So, I hide inside my hot house just so I can eat my bag of peanuts.
In Mali, it's not acceptable for one to work hard for their money to buy themselves and their family something. You work hard so that you can buy your family and yourself something. It's about the group before the individual. Americans don't really operate like that. I see this as a good and bad thing and this is why I'm perceived as selfish.